Life of an artist

As some of you might know, I study Drawing and printing at Luca. I'm now in my last year of my bachelor. Normally I would do my master aswell, and to survive in this shitty economy, take an extra course for teaching. Though I knew teaching wouldn't ever be something for me. Though if my parents asked me what I would do in the future, I couldn't answer. I never could. I always loved drawing, and I still do. But I never really wanted to be an artist that hangs her work in a gallery. It never felt like something for me. Even the art world doesn't feel really me. But drawing is still very important for me, even though I'll never be a great artist.

I have always be a girl that loves beautiful clothing and accessories. I remember as a little girl that I played with my cousin with barbie dolls. We also dressed up a lot. He always made furniture and things for our dolls (he does now interior design), and I made together with my mum clothes for the dolls. I always dressed and undressed the dolls. And I enjoyed making things for my dolls someone else didn't have.

And as I grew up, I became a barbie doll (in a goth version). I dressed up a lot, I loved accessoires, and I sometimes made things myself.

As a child I drew a lot, and as I grew older I learned to draw realistic. And so I found my talent for drawing. I drew a lot and I wanted to go to an art school. But I wasn't allowed. I always regretted it. Though somehow I'm happy I know how to study, and I know a bit my languages and economy. I did from time to time portrait commissions (but that isn't much creative). For myself I drew quite a lot of fashion designs, but also from life/photo.

I was sure that when I finished college, I would go to an art school! Absolutely! Though fashion design was in my head too. But my mother never liked all my arty thoughts. And she absolutely hated fashion design! She has worked in the fashion industry for 20 years. She stitched everyday jackets for an irritation boss. And I do understand that she wants a better future for me. But I also know that I want to design! And the implementation now goes to china anyway.. That's why she lost that job anyway.

The last year in collega I got really nervous. I went talking to someone who was busy in arts aswell.. I remember a very important sentence: You won't succeed in a drawing school with your 'montmartre' drawings. But when I see your more fashion drawings, I think you should go to fashion academy.' I wasn't sure what to do with this. I wanted both, but I had to choose. And since drawing was my first choice, and mom hated fashion, I went to the art school. I succeeded for my entrance exam and there I was! Very unsure about what they would make of me. I was afraid that I had to change my style.

I was happy that I could do what I wanted. But I was always afraid to fail (one of my big negative points). But I succeeded! In the same year I also succeeded for my driving license. I felt proud that I got this far already. In this summer I also took up my interest in fashion. I started making jewelry for myself and some pieces for selling. Mostly chokers. I really hated my stitching machine, because I was so bad at it :P But after that summer, my boyfriend where I had a long time a relation with broke up with me. I was nervous to fail in school aswell. Everything went down. Very much down. But on the first jury, I had quite good points. Though theory results weren't the best due a second love failure. I mainly drew selfportraits. In the second part of that year I was sick of selfportraits and drew my parents in stead. I actually tried to do what teachers wanted of me to do. My style has changed quite a lot. From hyperrealistic to not so realistic but still recognizable. I didn't like school much anymore, I was afraid to fail, I doubted to whole year about everything, including art class. I thought about changing from drawing/printing to illustration. But in the end I didn't. I also had a second love fiasco, what broke me litterally apart. The only thing I kept doing was making jewelry. I got better at the techniques, but also the designs. Even at school I started talking about my jewelry to the teachers. And about abandoned buildings, because I just love them (and I love going photographing in them).

All this things kept my head going crazy, wich ended in a depression. I didn't want to recognize it (and somehow I sometimes still don't). But I know that it went from bad to worse. This year, third year, I didn't know what to do. I started doing what teachers wanted, but then I wanted to say and do what I wanted. I encoroporated abandoned buildings and my handmade jewelry in my drawings. But it still wasn't good enough. My jury this year wasn't good at all. Also last year I ended with bad results whith my lazy-parents-drawings. But this year I thought that my drawings where more me (and yes they where). I got a bit my love for drawing back, but not too much. I kept on making jewelry. And I tried to make something completely on my own in fabric too. I wanted to combine art and fashion. And I did.

But the school doubts kept going on. The depression really overwhelmed me, almost killed me.. I decided to stop school and go to work. I decided to go on and finished and then do a stupid job. I decided again to stop. I decided to go study graphic design to get a decent job. I even decided to get an extra course accounting to find a job. I decided to finish this year and then follow goldsmith in syntra. And then I doubted about fashion in syntra (but mom would hate it, you know).

And then the idea of fashion academy in antwerp went trough my head last week. I don't know why. But somehow a university sounded possible again. Nevertheless I said that I never wanted to go to an art school again, because they are too arty farty.

Anti-depressants have helped me trough the all-day-crying period. The I-want-to-die feeling dissapeared more or less. I got more coinfidence, and I wanted to find my dreams back, what I really wanted with my life. I wanted to accomplish again something.

I want to be a designer
I think

I want to become where I'm predestinated for. And I realized that I'm born for art. I am just born to become in this hard art world that knows only uncertainties. I am born for fashion. I love fashion. But I still love art too. But I don't want to fit in the art world, and somehow I don't feel like I am really creative enough for the art world, but I feel that I can be more creative in fashion designs.

Next week I am going to the open door day in the fashion academy of antwerp. I'm going to ask a lot of questions. I will check out the jewelry design department aswell. I am also thinking about my portfolio. I talk almost everyday about it. And yes, mum still doesn't like it. She says I dream too much, that I'm flying and unrealistic because I'm so enthusiastic. But I know that the art world is hard. I am already in it for a part. And I know also that selling my jewelry is hard. But I'm dreaming already the whole year of doing something besides a 'normal' job with my jewelry.

I hope the open door day will give me more clarity. I am already a bit dreaming of being there. Though I'm afraid of living alone in antwerp, without my cats. But I have to learn to live alone! I don't want to be dependent for my whole live.

And I hope that, when I decide to go there (which almost happened already) that I succeed my entrance exams!

But the fear is still in my head: what's my destiny? Art or fashion design? Or the edge of society.. (I'll fight to not get there!) But I know that I am not normal, and that I don't fit in into the ordinary working world. I'm just not made to follow the mainstream: go to work, buy a house, marry and get children, work eat and shit, grow old and make sure you have enough money to pay your rest home...
No, I want to make something of my life.
And one day, I'll make my dreams come true.. One day!